In our second part of Daughters of Divine Power’s Divorce Series, we are going to discuss the reality of wishy-washy emotions. Whoever said divorce was a roller coaster ride, wasn’t lying. The highs and lows of just the separation can make you feel like you are losing your mind. You can feel great, like you are unstoppable, then in the next minute something as simple as being able to not open a pickle jar shakes you to your core.
During my separation my feelings went from good to bad, and back around again.
I would talk with my girlfriends about how I was so confused. Did I really want to be divorced from him? Was I overreacting? Was I asking for too much from him? Then I would start wondering what he was doing and who he was with… that really got me. My feelings of him being out with another woman really made me question the separation altogether. Would I ever be happy without him?
Truth: My emotions about the whole separation changed on a daily basis.
So discussing all of my emotions with my girlfriends, we decided to make plans to go out and get my mind off of him. We were going to do a proper “girls night out” and I was ready. I started first thing after breakfast. I knew I was going to make the best of my night for the first time in a long time! So I went and had my nails done and then to the salon for an up-do done to perfection. Since the separation I had gone on a shopping spree and now I has somewhere to wear one of my new outfits!
So here I am, home with my hair & nails done, my favorite music playing in the background (the same music my ex husband hated to listen to), and I am dancing around doing my makeup, putting on my new clothes & shoes and feeling like a million bucks. I was so happy, like a butterfly fluttering around my house with anticipation of what the night was to bring and that is when it happened. See this is what I want. I want to be on my own, loving life. I don’t need him in my life.
See, my girlfriends and I had been planning this night for a long time, none of us could ever seem to get our schedules to sync, but we had managed to do it that night. One girlfriend got off of work early, one had found the perfect babysitter, and the other finally was in town long enough to make plans. She had been taking care of her elderly mother a few towns over and was always over there. So I just knew everything was going to work out perfectly. And that is when the phone rang.
When I answered the phone, my first thought was one of them was calling me to make sure we had made dinner reservations. Quickly I found out that was not the case. It was my girlfriend that found the perfect babysitter and she was calling to tell me that she couldn’t make it. The babysitter had come down with the flu and couldn’t babysit. There was no replacement for that late in the afternoon, she wasn’t going to make it. She apologized and I told her it was ok, that I understood. Not going to lie that took me down a notch, but I wasn’t going to tell her. It wasn’t her fault, plus my two other best girlfriends were still in play and hopefully on their way over to pick me up.
Optimistically, I carried on with my afternoon of pampering and singing. I still felt good and looking forward to some laughs with my girlfriends. Then the next phone call came in, it was my other girlfriend that had got off work early. Her car battery was dead. She was going to have to wait for her husband to get home to jump it.
Now I am really going to be honest, that erked me to no end. Not so much at my friend but the fact she had a husband that was going to come home and fix her car for her. Not hating, I love my girlfriend and love the fact she has a caring husband, but a little bit of jealousy peaked through when I got that call. I did what I could to hide my angst from my friend, but she could tell. She tried to comfort me by saying she would only be a little bit late, but we both knew she wasn’t going to make it out.
And so that jealousy led to swirling thoughts of, ‘am I doing the right thing?’ ‘Do I want a divorce or just a girl’s night out?’ I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror across the room and I was back. Look at me, look how good I look without him. I don’t need him.
By this point, I am down to my last girlfriend and I am having to talk myself up like, ‘it’s going to be ok. The two of you will have a blast and you can make the other ladies jealous the next time you get together.’ So even though I am little bit agitated and questioning my decision a little bit, I am still trying to push through it and make the best of it. By that time, I was fully dressed strutting my stuff around my living room. I was ready and I was happy and excited. Also I was proud of myself for not letting the first friends’ cancellations get me down, well not get me down that much. I can do this. I can be single! Look at me! Everybody better watch out, I am back on the scene tonight!
And there I was ready to go and waiting for my girlfriend to come get me, dinner reservations were for 6:30 PM and it was now 6:15 PM. Any minute now my friend was going to pull up in my drive way and we were going to start the night. Any minute now… but I waited and I waited. When the clock hit 6:45 PM I started calling her cell, I was worried. No answer, so I called her house and then her Mom’s house. No answer on either line. As the night progressed my elation turned to nervousness and anger. What was going on? Where was she? Was she ok?
Round about 9:00 PM and still no word, I get out of my dress, back into my sweats, close the front door, and curl up on the couch to watch Lifetime, one of my favorite shows was playing. My night was ruined. My life was ruined, no husband, no friends, no place to go, I was just going to sink into the couch and never get up. To go from such delight as the day started to ending it with a gallon of ice cream on the couch was just depressing. Was this what my life was going to be like now? Was I never to have fun ever again? Did I make the wrong decision to divorce my husband?
My missing girlfriend did finally call around 10:30 that night. Her mom’s house had lost power and she couldn’t leave her alone. Her cell phone was dead and the house line wasn’t working without the power. She apologized over and over again. I told her it was ok. I said that I was glad she was home safe, and we could talk later.
That night was devastating to me because it was my first real night of freedom. Freedom from him, freedom from my sadness, freedom from this empty house and it all went down the toilet. It felt like a sign of life to come. It was only long after that night that my lesson registered with me. What it said was, ‘you don’t need a husband or your friends to be happy.’
Because I was counting on external things to make me happy. My friends, my hair, my nails, my outfit all were there to make me feel better; to fill the void I was feeling with my ex husband gone out of my life. While I was counting on those things to make me have a good time when I hadn’t had a good time in so long, I missed out on the good time with myself. I was enough that day to get me out of the sadness. I pampered myself. I got dressed up and felt good. I danced and sang around my house. I had a really good time all by myself and in the end I was able to rise and be happy all by myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good girl’s night out, but sometimes it is just as good to do a ‘pampered-night-in’.
“Happy are the people whose God is the LORD.”
God is the true source of happiness, strength, hope, and wisdom. Those who are in His favor will always have these things.